Words from a mother in fear

It was Monday night. Almost bathtime. Still trying to process the Orlando attack, I listened to live French news. A father, police officer was stabbed to death on his way home. The attacker entered the home to take the mother and their 3 years old son hostages. Four hours later, only he survived, orphan. One more in the name of radical Islamism.

49 – Orlando, FL. USA

32 – Brussels, Belgium.

37 – Ankara, Turkey

129 – Paris, France.

14 – San Bernardino, CA. USA.

….

I am sorry for all the ones I forget. My mind does not process anymore.

I am starting my motherhood life dealing with atrocity I can’t understand and handle. The shock started when I was 4 months pregnant with the Charlie Hebdo attack. Our daughter was 3 months old at the time of the Paris attacks. And it continues. One after the other, here and there, as she grows and as I (try to) gain confidence in my daily mother’s job.

We, new parents have our issues and challenges in today’s society, I try to cover them on my blog because they are not impossible to overcome.

This, I can’t. My heart of mother is too weak, to process what is going on.

Same story, same allegiance, same tears, same political circus, same all…

I instinctively gave extra cuddles and silly times that night. Make our daughter laugh was my only answer. This is probably the cure we are in need at the moment: a happy baby laugh.

But soon, bedtime approached, her tired red eyes showed up.

We then had to face the reality, the facts…once more. We don’t even have the time to process one attack, that another arises.

We tried to debate with my husband. We quickly stopped. It was a silent evening in our home. We were in need of a leader, a voice to guide us, so we listened to TV late night shows hosts one after the other, as if they would give us answers. They did not. They, like us, are parents of young children seeking for help in our sick world.

I am a terrified mother. Dropping off my daughter at daycare this morning has never been so painful. I have to face the reality that we can’t relate on anybody. No one has answers. We are on our own, left with our love as only weapon. The world claims freedom of speech, respect, love to all and for all but it’s nothingness.

We are fighting very hard to give our daughter the best tools to live the happiest life she can possibly have.

But we are at war. It’s a cold and silent war playing russian roulette. Who will be next? Where will it be? When? Who else is going to be guilty to be too happy? How many more?

I am not trying to raise awareness nor expose my (empty) opinion.

These are just the words of a mother in fear.  

With love,

E

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